A Little Story About Beer

Alcohol is the universal language. You can go anywhere, and it doesn’t matter if you look like everyone else, understand the culture, or even speak the same language, so long as alcohol is involved. Anyone can be friends (or enemies) over a couple bottles of beer.

Drinking is the national sport of American Samoa. It ranks above football, volleyball, and fighting. It happens before, during, and after all of these events, and any other activity you can think of. There’s not much else to do here, so might as well do it drunk.

Of course, it’s also a huge problem. Probably 99% of the cases that come across my desk (and almost all cases come across my desk) are alcohol related. DUIs, drunken brawls, or just plain jackassery are common occurrences. I’m working on a case right now involving a Senate staffer who decided to pee in a hotel elevator during the governor’s inauguration ceremony.

With an island that enjoys their beer so much, let’s review what the options are:

Vailima
Coors Light
Steinlager

And if you’re feeling really fancy:

Heineken
Corona

Well, that’s it. There are five beers on the island. Most places you go will only offer Vailima, Steinlager, and/or Coors Light. None of these are respectable beers.

Vailima is the Samoan beer. It is Samoan for “hand of water.” If by that they mean it is probably stirred with some guy’s hand. In fairness though, you do get to the point here where nothing is better than a nice, room temperature, Vailima.

Vailima is also a common currency. Just offer a six-pack and you’d be amazed how quickly things get done. This one gal got the housing department to build her a carport using nothing but some Vailima and persistence.

I’m thinking of buying a keg and shooting for central air.