The 15k

Since the dawn of time man has been fascinated with great moments in athletic history. The ancient Greeks created competitions to form the original Olympics. Even today, we marvel at athletic prowess from Lance Armstrong to Michael Phelps. This spirit of competition extends throughout the globe and truly brings all peoples together.

It is in that spirit that mere chatter can become a great moment. As we discussed other mighty athletes, specifically Tony Mandarich who used to eat 15,000 calories per day, we decided that this would be our little contribution to the world. And thus began the glorious 15k.
The 15k is a competition between two men, who both must eat 15,000 calories in a day. As soon as they finish, they must run 40 yards. Whoever crosses the finish first wins. Here are the rules:

• No puking. Anyone who pukes must start over.
• The competition goes from 8am – 12am. That’s 16 hours of eating madness.
• Everything that is ingested must first be ok’d by a judge, and calories counted. This includes everything, even Tums.
• For easy calculation, a contestant must eat an entire container. For example, you can’t eat 5 Pringles; you must finish the container. Then you get all the calories.
• The loser has to buy the winner's food.

So now you can play at home. Today is the big day, and our challengers are Jeremy Goldberg vs. Matthew Vojik. They both weighed in this morning at about 160lbs and are ready to fight. Breakfast at Carl’s Jr. opened up the games. Updates to come.

Update 1: I visited the contestants around 2pm. They didn’t look so hot. Vojik was walking around like a zombie. As part of his team’s plan, he was to drink a gallon of apple juice, which weighed in at over 2,000 calories. But it hasn’t gone according to plan, as apple juice doesn’t make you pee – it’s a diarrhetic. He then took a nap. When he woke up, he spent nearly 20 minutes in the toilet. But he came out fighting and was ready to eat some frozen pizzas.

When I arrived, Jeremy was napping already. But he woke up and ate an omellette with bacon and extra oil added. He was also drinking a bottle of Gatorade (130 calories) with two teaspoons of sugar (20 calories each) and a shot of vodka (90 calories) mixed in. He was looking strong, but kept complaining about hot flashes.

When I left, Jeremy was in the 5,000’s and Vojik had finished his apple juice pushing him over 6,000.

There is no way in hell they’ll make 15,000, but maybe 10k?

Update 2: Alas! It finished so quick! Jeremy “The Machine” Goldberg took some “performance enhancing” drugs that gave him the munchies. With this new power he plowed through and began drinking a special shake full of 2,000 calories. At this point Matt “The Hero” Vojik had finished his apple juice, giving him an extra 2,000 calories. Unfortunately, the shake was too much for Jeremy, and he puked. This ended his career as a professional glutton.

When Vojik heard the news he was elated. After ensuring that he really had won, he then forced himself to vomit. In the end, Vojik won with 7,200 calories. As the winner, he got to make the loser buy all of his food. And they both spent the rest of the night feeling awful. Brilliant!